In our last Tantra Article we shared how connection is instrumental to the kind of sex, or lovemaking, that is healing for the mind, body, and spirit.
Connection is the key element that enables us to give to each other with love and compassion.
Connection on the level of mind, body, and spirit creates such a safe space that we can dare to be vulnerable.
Vulnerable enough to heal, grow and enjoy more of our inner potential.
That’s how sex can be the gateway to having the deepest transformative and healing experiences and the most fulfilling orgasmic pleasure. All at the same time.
We also shared that having sex without connection has the potential to be debilitating and harmful.
Since then we’ve been asked what this might look like…
In our work as Authentic Tantra Practitioners and Teacher Trainers, we see many examples of how sex without connection can cause harm.
This article is not meant to bring you down, but to connect the dots between this very common source of suffering and the potential for healing it.
Lack of self-connection
When there is a lack of self-connection it’s hard to be present with what’s going on in your body and mind. It becomes hard or impossible to feel your own feelings or physical sensations.
Our feelings and bodily sensations are our own internal messengers: They continually report back to us about what’s going on in our world and guides us to what’s beneficial and what’s harmful to us in any given moment.
This is our inner guidance system.
For example, when you feel safe, loved, and turned on that warm tingly sensation builds in your erogenous zones.
When you feel worried or insecure for whatever reason you might feel tension in your stomach and restlessness in your legs.
If we’re unable to be present with these feelings and sensations, we can ignore our needs to set boundaries or communicate our desires.
Instead, we may choose to follow external guidance, for example, the expectations and suggestions of a lover.
You’ve handed over the reins to someone else. But no other person can feel your feelings for you.
By not paying attention to and honoring your inner guidance system you run the risk of doing a whole bunch of activity that isn’t right for you right there and then.
When this happens during sex you may notice a profound feeling of loneliness and sadness during or afterward. Or you may just notice that your erogenous zones aren’t responding with that warm tingly sensation.
Lack of connection with partner
Disconnection between two partners can be exemplified by avoiding eye contact and keeping from openly sharing ones’ emotional and sensual expression, verbally and non-verbally.
Disconnection can also be felt as being distanced from the other person even though your genitals may be intimately connected.
Without connection on a spiritual, mental and emotional level we’re not really present together. There is no real union.
So, we miss out on this opportunity to let go of our egos, and instead, we may end up feeling more distanced than were to begin with. We might just as well think of the act as a mutual masturbation session.
Without openly connecting heart to heart, eye to eye we may focus so much on our fantasies or our own pleasure that we ignore the expressions of our lover when he or she is saying stop or wait.
When we’re unwilling to be emotionally connected we’re also less capable of being vulnerable and holding space for each other. It simply isn’t safe and our ego gets in the way.
This happens when we’re focused on having a partner there to enhance our own pleasure, rather than for the sake of entering into sacred union of body, mind, and spirit.
If one person needs to pause or change something, the other person may react with disappointment and anger.
There is a lack of tolerance for the unexpected to arise spontaneously. Attachment to the pleasure and orgasm comes in the way.
That is harmful and is the opposite of being in union; sex without connection further strengthens our feeling of separation.
The person that’s been rejected may enter into a pattern of giving what they think their partner wants instead of openly asking and sharing their own desires.
Instead of giving with joy out of love, he or she is giving out of fear of rejection or anger from the other partner. Sometimes both partners feel this way.
It goes without saying that these consequences can lead to a further lack of self-connection for both partners.
As much as this type of destructive relationship dynamic is very common, it can always be reversed. Connection is the antidote to disconnection and it’s negative consequences.
If you find yourself resonating with what I’ve described, and you desperately want it to change know that that’s your resource right there.
Your desire for the situation to get better comes from the beautiful knowing inside of you of what’s possible.
The knowing that sex can be a warm, safe union of two beings.
That connecting deeply can be the element that makes your pleasure awaken and blossom and your wounds heal.
This is a precious little gem of a seed, so take good care of it.
Seek out ways to nourish and water it so it can grow and blossom. It is your birthright.
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