Secrets of a Sex Worker

There are a few things I would like to say just because I am investigating my stance on this, which has drastically changed over several years. I would first like to say I am Autistic and on the Asexual Spectrum. I am sexual, but I do not experience sexual attraction the way allosexuals do, and I find most conversations and attitudes about sex (especially concerning women’s rights) not to be as inclusive. I noticed, beginning in high school, though I wasn’t active yet, I had this “non-judgment” attitude toward sexuality (as long as no one is hurt), and by the time in college, I was “pro-hoe.” And four years after graduating, my attitude has changed a bit. The point I’m going to make is that two things can exist simultaneously. Yes, there should be rights and protections for sex workers. Period. While I appreciate the understanding that people should have the right to choose, I do not find that there is equal respect for people’s rights not to choose or instead, to NOT choose. I have experienced the “pick-me’s” who believe women need to cook and wear long skirts to be wifeable, I have also experienced pick-me’s who believe women should be hyper-sexual and groomable to be “cool.” And while the latter feels that they are more “progressive,” they both support and enable entitled men. No, women would not be held responsible for the actions of men, but actively upholding the dynamics has proven unsafe for others time and time again. For instance, her attitude toward the wives seemed less sympathetic than toward married men. In fact, more excuses were being made rather than just practical reasons presented. “Awe but he’s old and scared,” true. “But she wanted to be celibate, and that’s not fair” also true. But the judgment – yes – toward the wives was very apparent. And just as much as she made a choice to no longer be sexual, he could have made the ADULT decision to leave OR NOT MARRY A NONSEXUAL PERSON. These men could be emotionally responsible ADULTS and go to therapy to unlearn particular power dynamics, gender pressures, and insecurities like everybody else. But these men seem to have no responsibility when they have money. Yet again, men who have money learn that the world must be catered to them. So basically, this brand of feminism is performative re-branded patriarchy. I have experienced violence from men who felt they should be entitled to me just because other women allowed them. Then those same women gaslight me and tell me I’m not being understanding or that I should “put up” with whatever just because, in their consciousness, money = the only standard. I have been placed in some pretty dangerous situations, not understanding specific social cues and not experiencing sexuality the same way. And NTs seem to have created these rules where it is a personal attack if you don’t do something the same. If I’m not sexual in the same way I’m not “pro-woman” and have been entered into scary situations because certain women I’ve encountered who were sex workers felt like I deserved it and needed to “loosen up.” Not all women and men view sexuality the same. Non-judgement goes both ways, especially if I’m not projecting onto you.

There seems to be this thing that neurotypicals do when there are parts of themselves or their thinking they don’t want to acknowledge or be responsible for, they call it the “grey area” of humans because life isn’t “black or white.” However, actual nuance is taking into account all situation variables before concluding, not doing whatever, and justifying it later when you do not want to deal w/ it. For instance, a child being groomed into a gang who later discovers it was not okay, they had little control, and grows to change and bring awareness, as opposed to “Sure, Ted Bundy sucked, but here’s his back story for context.” I can understand both, but “nuance” doesn’t excuse people actively choosing to participate in harmful and grimy behavior. Two things can exist at the same time. I feel like these experiences have drastically changed the way I view sex work, power dynamics, and even my comfort with sex (mainly due to policing and abuse). All this to say, when other women or people are being harmed, and you participate and justify it with “well, life is not being fair to me” or “I didn’t make these rules,” that does not make you “open-minded,” it is using specific movements for personal benefit. I also feel this way if the genders were reversed.