If you had asked me at the beginning of my Tantra journey 13+ years ago what “sexual healing” meant to me, I would have looked at you in confusion, blushed with embarrassment, and tried to change the subject. I, just like everyone else I knew, found the topic of sex to be intriguing, somewhat bewildering, and quite uncomfortable to discuss openly.
Certainly, I had no frame of reference for the concept of “healing” in that area, and no knowledge of the direct relationship that exists for many cisgender women between their sexual “comfort,” and their feelings of self-confidence and self-worth.
I, like many cis women in western culture, was indoctrinated with the belief that “good girls don’t and bad girls do”. I spent much of my childhood and young adulthood trying desperately to shut out, shove away, and divorce myself from any knowledge of my sexual pleasure or desires, in fear of being categorized as a “bad girl”- a sentence which carried with it a whole host of undesirable outcomes.
Because of the terrifying cultural condemnation of my natural sexual curiosity, I proceeded to break myself into little pieces of acceptable and unacceptable parts, and filed the “bad” bits away deep within my psyche, in hopes that no one would ever find out what a naughty girl I really was.
The reality though, is that we cannot truly separate any part of ourselves from the rest of ourselves, without experiencing a fragmentation and wounding of our essential essence.
Somewhere locked away in that box of bad and naughty bits were aspects of my personality, which were vital components to my experience of self-worth, self-acceptance, and the intuitive wisdom of my soul.
These pieces of my soul, (which were integral to a healthy, wholesome, and empowered sense of self,) were buried beneath layers of sexual guilt, fear, shame, and ignorance, and were revealed only through the process of exploring and allowing my sexual pleasure to emerge.
Recent studies cited by author Naomi Wolf in her book “Vagina-A New Biography,” validate the relationship between sexuality and self-worth for women from a scientific perspective. She states “when a woman feels empowered to think about pleasurable sex, anticipate it, focus on how to get it, and feels in control of and knowledgeable enough about her body to know she can probably reach orgasm during sex – her brain gets a boost of the neurotransmitter dopamine.”
For all the science geeks out there- Dopamine is the neurotransmitter responsible for motivation and goal-orientedness, trust in one’s own judgment, and most importantly, feeling self-empowered and confident.
My personal experience has been that- as my relationship to my sexuality has become free from culturally imposed attitudes of shame, fear, and guilt, new channels of self-awareness, self-acceptance, self-love, and self-respect have been opened and revealed. I naturally and effortlessly feel more whole, more connected, and more worthy of happiness, peace, joy, and “the good things” in all areas of my life.
The fact that my personal sense of self-worth was directly related to my sexuality came as a huge surprise at first, but as the layers of shame, guilt, and confusion have fallen away, I now experience the world with a peace and clarity that I believe every woman should have access to. Sexual self-acceptance is our birthright, and the gateway to a healthy, whole and fully integrated sense of Self.
So how do you get from A-B?
The task can seem daunting, but I assure it is a sweet journey, well worth undertaking.
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