My husband and I were having a spontaneous Tantra playdate earlier this week, which consisted of a long walk by the beach connecting with the elements, dinner at one of our favorite seafood restaurants overlooking the ocean, and finished off with some sensual sexy time in the bedroom.
During our walk we were reflecting on the quality of our intimate connection, not just in the bedroom, but in all the “rooms” of the house of our life together.
What was it that made our connection so consistently yummy and gave us both such a deep sense of nourishment and fulfillment?
We determined that for us it was the cultivation of our spiritual path together as a couple that added this extra layer of depth and richness to our intimate connection.
Which makes sense because we are both practicing Tantrikas, and by that, I do not mean the mainstream Western-Neo version of Tantra, which is a vague approximation of traditional Tantric practice.
I mean, we are both fairly hardcore practitioners of Vajrayana Tantric Buddhism. We have both taken refuge in the Shangpa Kagyu lineage of Tibetan Tantric Buddhism under the same Lama, and under whose guidance we both practice and teach the Tibetan Five Element Healing Practices.
You see, contrary to popular myth, Tantra is not actually ABOUT sex, or even about a sexual practice.
Tantra is a SPIRITUAL practice which includes sexuality and at times, depending on the teacher (and/or student) offers instructions in how to utilize sexual energy and pleasure for the purpose of healing, awakening, empowering, and enriching every aspect of life.
But the heart and soul of Tantra is the spirituality of it, and it is something you practice, in some way, every day.
Tantra, correctly integrated, is both a practice and a way of life.
For my husband and I, our Tantra practice is at the very core of our relationship together. It is both the foundation upon which we have built our connection, the glue which holds us together during challenging times, as well as the water and fertilizer required for our intimate connection to flourish and grow.
Luckily, Tantra is a very adaptable practice that will meet you wherever you are at. So you don’t have to be a hardcore Vajrayana Tantra practitioner to begin experiencing the benefits of your practice together as a couple.
If you are new to the Tantric path, here are a few simple ways you can begin cultivating a Tantric partnership.
#1- Develop a daily Tantra ritual that you do together.
If you have studied with one of our instructors, chances are you may have already received some suggestions for what this could look like for you.
One of my favorite suggestions that I give to couples who are just starting this journey is to do a daily appreciation practice of sharing 3 things you appreciate about your life, 3 things you appreciate about each other, and 3 things you appreciate about your self.
Appreciation is the currency of the heart and having a daily ritual of verbally expressing what you value and appreciate about each other, and your lives together is fuel for enrichment of the heart, body, and soul.
This intimate connection practice is very simple:
- Turn off your phone, TV, or other electronic devices.
- Sit comfortably together
- Take turns sharing the following:
1. Three things that you appreciate about your life right now and WHY
2. Three things (or qualities) that you appreciate about each other and why
3. Three things (or qualities) that you appreciate about yourself and why
Because we all have busy lives, I recommend doing this practice in your downtime, whatever that is for you. For most people that will be after dinner or just before bed.
#2- Meditate together.
Cultivating mindfulness is fundamental to having a functional life, in my opinion, much less a Tantric one!
I recommend meditating daily, but that may not always be super easy to do as a couple.
In order to ensure that you are able to nurture this aspect of your connection, I recommend setting aside time on days off to do your Tibetan Five Element practice (or other mindfulness practice) together.
The Tibetan Five Element practices are specifically designed to activate, enrich, and heal your energy body, and thereby activate, heal, and enrich your physical experience. By doing this practice as a couple you are working together to clear our blocks and ensure better health and optimal functioning of body, mind, and sex.
#3 – Schedule mindful sexual connection.
Some folks balk at this because they believe that scheduling sex interferes with spontaneity.
Actually, the exact opposite is true. Studies have shown that couples who schedule sex have more sex. There are a few reasons for this:
A. If you schedule it, it actually happens, as opposed to waiting for “the mood” which may or may not come.
B. Sexual energy is like fire – the more you feed it the bigger it gets. If you schedule sexual connection once a week and doing it consistently, chances are your desire for sex is going to increase and you will have more of it more often.
Notice though, that I did not just say – schedule sex. I said mindful sexual connection. So this means, taking orgasm as the goal out of the picture and prioritizing connection.
This could look like allowing yourself time and space to explore different types of touch, different positions, different toys, different sensations. It could look like learning and practicing Tantric Yoni and Lingam Massage.
For your mindful sexual connection time, I recommend creating a sensual nest to play in with lovely scents, sounds, tastes, and visual delights. Turn the phone off, make sure you won’t be disturbed, and unplug from the world and plug into your intimate connection.
The time you take to nourish your intimate connection is your armor against the insanity of the world. Your loving connection creates a vortex that emanates out into your environment.
If you take the time to feed and nurture the precious garden of your relationship you will reap the fruits for the rest of your lifetime together, and possibly even beyond.
Watch this video for tips on how to create a sacred sensual “nest” for your sacred intimate play.
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