What a Wet Vagina Says about Her Desire

Nothing, it tells you not-a-thing.


You cannot make any assumptions about what a woman wants based on the degree to which her vagina lubricates. You may be thinking, “What? How can that be? I always thought, if she’s wet she wants it, if she isn’t then she doesn’t?” These are very common, but mistaken, assumptions about the relationship between desire and genital response.

Have you ever heard of the term sexual concordance?

It refers to the degree to which physical sexual response and self-reported sexual arousal correspond with each other. Meaning, when you feel aroused your body reacts to your feelings of arousal by initiating a genital response. However some people are not sexually concordant. Their thoughts and their bodies don’t always do the same thing and it is a very normal and common occurrence for all genders, but it more common among women.

For example, a woman may say that she is turned on, but her vagina may not be lubricating. This doesn’t mean that she is lying about her desire. It simply means that her emotional state and physical state are not in synch. This can happen for many reasons. Certain medications, hormonal fluctuations, menopause, childbirth, and stress are some of the many reasons a woman’s vaginal response may not match her desire. And, in many cases, there may not be an explanation for why a person isn’t sexually concordant.

Conversely, lack of sexual concordance may appear in the opposite way.

Sometimes a woman’s genitals will respond to a sexual stimulus when she is not feeling aroused or doesn’t want to have sex. For example, if she views an erotic film that depicts sexual acts that she finds disturbing, her genitals may respond even though her brain is saying “I don’t like that.” Similarly, if a woman is kissing a romantic partner, but does not want to have sex, her genitals may still lubricate because her body translates the kissing as sexually relevant.

The takeaway from this is that the only way to confidently know if a woman is aroused is to ask. It is good to note that most women can take anywhere from 20-45 minutes to become fully aroused and engorged. So sometimes what looks like a lack of sexual concordance is really an indication that she needs more time and care. Communicate with your sexual partner to see what she likes and what will help to become aroused and fully engorged and then ask if you can give it to her!

healing from miscarriage
Written by: Alaina Salks

Alaina Salks is the Co-Founder & Director of The Institute of Authentic Tantra Education.

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